This is my new life...I am now that woman...
Took my first trip to the grocery store last night. I was not ready. There seemed to be far more babies there than usual. Sometimes I forget she's gone; when I remember the pain comes on so strong I can hardly breathe. I am that woman who is crying in the middle of the frozen vegetable aisle. The one that you pity because she can't "handle her emotions in public".
This afternoon we went to Best Buy. Still not ready. First there was a woman holding a baby that couldn't have been more than six months old. A wave of panic started to hit me. I took in deep breaths, I released them slowly. I was determined to make it through this trip. Just as I felt myself start to calm down, I heard a voice behind me, "you better shut your mouth." The little girl had been wimpering (not crying loudly or screaming, or trying to get out of the cart). She couldn't have been more than two. Seriously? Why did he get to keep his daughter and I didn't? How can someone be so mean to their child for no reason? This made me livid. LIVID. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to tell him to appreciate her. To be thankful she was healthy and alive. If I had been there alone and not in the company of others, I might have actually said something. Instead, I got so upset that I turned into that woman again...I was crying in the middle of the bargain CD aisle.
Awhile later I joked with a friend about how if that guy didn't want her, I'd take her. But the truth is, I don't want her. I don't want a baby. I want Maggie. I want MY DAUGHTER.
We went to the funeral home yesterday. We had to legally identify her body. I had been both dreading it and almost looking forward to it. I wanted so badly to see her again. We were told "you can look but you can't touch." What? What do you mean I "can't touch"? She's MINE. This hurt far more than seeing her. I wanted to kiss her tiny hands. I wanted to feel her silky hair on my fingertips. I was terrified right before they opened the door, and then, there she was. She was in a tiny pink velvet casket -- it was the size of most of the shoe boxes in my closet. She was so much tinier than I remembered. She was beautiful.
I wonder what she would have looked like growing up. I wonder if she would have picked soccer or ballet? Would she have liked cats or dogs? Would she have been afraid of bugs or begged me to let her have a pet snake? I will never know. And I wish I did.
This is my new life...I am now that woman...
To all of you who have reached out to me, thank you. I am not ignoring you. I am so very grateful you are there. Please don't turn your back and walk away. I'll be there soon, but not yet. Keep bugging me. I'll come around eventually.
Love and heartfelt thanks to you all,
Kelli
16 comments:
You are such a strong woman. I cannot even imagine what you're going through right now, and not to sound rude, but I hope I'm never in your position. You didn't do anything to deserve this. My heart aches for you and your husband. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
You are stronger than I could ever be in such a situation. I hope I never have to go through what you are dealing with. I just wanted to tell you that my prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry. I cried the whole time I read this just thinking about how you must feel. God will take care of you through this and just know she is up there with him right now. God bless you.
Kelli, I want to write you and let you know that I understand how your feeling...but I don't. I know you don't expect us to. I also want to say that I feel your pain (I've cried for you both more in the past few months than I have in years) but I don't. You are stronger than most women to make it through this. What you are feeling is SO normal. It didn't even happen to me and I feel the same hatred as you. (for children getting yelled at, abused, 'unwanted' pregnancy). I told my mom the other day, how can someone have octuplets, sextuplets, or even twins??? and then someone who has one baby doesn't get their chance. It's not fair. You are once again, one of the strongest women that I know. Keep up the strength sweetheart.
She's so beautiful. I follow, but don't really know what to say. I'm so sorry and hope that you and your husband can find peace and comfort in this very rough time.
All things in due time sweetheart. I know you miss her and how you desperatly want her back but the hard truth is that you'll get your chance. You and Brian are going to have an amazing family...some day. I truly hope you are doing well and know that if you should ever need anything I'm there for you.
I love you.
Kelli,
It's a club of parents no one wants to join... the ones whose children have left far too soon. It is so hard; the reminders are everywhere, the crying happens at the most random of times, and your hearts just ache.
Please know that I am continuing to pray for you... that God would just be present and near to you.
I am here if you ever need a lsitening ear from another mom who has been there.
` Stacy
I wish there were something I could do for you. I'm just glad that Brian is there to help you through your grief. My heart aches for you. Please keep being strong. I'm a phone call away if you need anything...
Christina
Kel, These girls say it best...you are a strong woman! From one mother to another you are the best mom! Doing whats right and standing up for what you believe in. Im very suprised you didnt rip that guy a new one..But then again I can see why you didnt. Im still praying for you and Brian....and your family. I hope that we can see each other soon and hang out. I got the PERFECT spot to take you to!
I love ya and I hope if you need anything to let me know!!
~Bina
Kelli,
This is your time. No one needs to push you into doing anything you don't want to do and it is going to take time to getting back to feeling normal. You take all of the time you need!
You have a major support system and there are tons of people out there that are praying for you, thinking of you and are there for you and some you don't even know! Brian sounds like a supurb man and I am praying for him too and thanking God that He put Brian in your life.
I have read every blog, cried a lot of tears with you and through it all I have remained amazed at your willingness to put this in God's hands. I know their is grief and pain and anger. That is normal because I felt the same way after my miscarriage. Those feelings are normal.
You are an amazing woman Kelli and I am glad that God put such a special person in my life. You and your family are always in my prayers.
With Love,
Lacey
Truth is, I never know what to do or say. But know I'm always here for you, no matter what. I'm always thinking of you! I love you.
<3
Oh, Kelli. I remember that feeling, like it was yesterday. (((((hugs))))) from a mom who has stood and cried in the frozen food aisle.
I pray for you all each night before bed. I am still thinking of you. I have not forgotten.
Please, please, if you haven't already.... go to bbc and join the loss boards. I know it is soon... maybe they can tell you something that might help.
I am going to not be at my computer for a week, so in the event I don't see a post, I just want to let you know.... 'I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN'. Your family will still be in my prayers. Debbie
My heart breaks for you every time I see this blog listed in my bookmarks. Yet at the same time, I cannot possibly fathom the pain you are going through.
I am scared to feel it.
You are so brave.
In prayer. . .
Kelli~
While I was reading your blog, it seemed like it could have been me writing it myself, almost five years ago. It hardly seems possible that it's been almost five years since we lost our son, Logan. Please know that I am continuing to pray for you and your family. I've also attached a poem that a friend forwarded to me. I'm always here, one mom to another, if you need to chat.
Jen
jgill@cardinals.k12.mo.us
"A PAIR OF SHOES" ~Author unknown~
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Kelli-
Even though we never met, I want so badly to give you a hug. You are so brave and strong. I am blown away by your eloquence. If I may make a suggestion...Keep writing. Write down everything you are feeling. Perhaps one day- you will publish your thoughts. Your words have helped me tremendously already and I know they will help many more.
Blessings
JanetB
Just want to let you know that I think about you, little Maggie and your husband every day. I want you to know that your daughter's story has made an impact on me, and I wont forget her. Please continue to write, if you feel able.
Abby+2
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