Four Years Later

My sweet girl has been on my mind a lot recently as her birthday draws near. I feel so guilty and conflicted. My life is so drastically different than it was four years ago that it doesn't even seem like it could have ever been my life at all...

Brian and I are no longer married. Losing Maggie created a very deep pit that we were never really able to climb out of.  It changed him so much more than I realized. We healed separately and not together. Or at least I thought we did. I didn't know. We never talked about it. He assumed. I assumed. In fact, it has only been in the last month that I have had any insight as to how it got to him.

My best friend (and sister) Fran died 18 months after Maggie. Fran was so involved in my pregnancy, the birth and death and healing. The silence after my sister's death was deafening. Suddenly I felt so alone. I  felt had no one to connect with. No one really understood.

Fast forward to now and where do I stand? I'm divorced and have not had any more children.

So where is the guilt and confliction that I mentioned? It lies in my happiness. I feel guilty for moving on. I feel guilty for being "glad" that I don't have kids. For being glad that I'm not that woman at the playground. For being glad that I can come and go as I please and don't have to worry about arranging a babysitter.

Please don't misunderstand me. If my daughter was here, I would be over the moon with happiness. I would have gladly given up everything that was "me" for the endless appointments with doctors and long hospital stays for her countless surgeries. But you know what? She's not here. And living the rest of my life in a pit of dispair and forever drowning in grief wouldn't have benefited anyone.

It has taken four years but I am finally feeling like I am pulling it all back together and becoming ME again -- I'm living in the city that I have wanted to live in for basically my entire life. I have an amazing boyfriend who is so insanely good to me that my face flushes and I'm a puddle of giddy goop every time I think about him.

It has taken four years but it has finally happened. I am happy.

Maggie caused me to change in ways that I could never explain to anyone. I am a kinder and more compassionate person because of her. I appreciate more. I take for granted less. I am a better person because of my daughter.

-Kelli

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Several of you have mentioned trying to track me down and I'm sorry for not being more accepting. For a very long time I wasn't in a place where I could be who I needed to be. I pushed so hard to heal that I alienated myself from a fantastic group of people who wanted to be there to support me.

Four years later and here I am! I welcome you all to contact me through whatever social mediums you would like!

Facebook (I ignored my FB for a long time and have been trying to get better about being more active recently.)
Twitter (I'm not super active, but it's a random view into my world. You've been warned.)
Pinterest (because everyone has one.)