8 months and 1 day.
I was doing really well for several months, but I've quickly come unraveled in the last couple of days. I'm a mess. Despite the fact that I have a full time job, I feel like I have too much free time. And in this free time I think. And when I think I fall apart. The pain is so strong that I can hardly breathe. My eyes water up....but I don't cry. It is as if I am afraid to let myself let the walls down....afraid that I'll never be put back together again. So instead I sit on top of the wall...teetering...balancing.
My heart feels heavy and empty at the same time. I am so blessed to have Brian. He is such a wonderful husband. But I feel so incomplete. My “baby fever” is back in full swing...and Brian has more than given the thumbs up. But I can't let us try again right now. The economy totally bites. He still has one semester left of school. Having a baby is EXPENSIVE. I'm being too practical. I want our family to grow....one cat and one dog are not cutting it.
I'm an emotional fruit cake right now. Just wanted to let you all know.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Hitting a brick wall at 70 mph.
I want so badly to write, but I don't know what to say.
I'm currently reading Waiting with Gabriel. It's a story written by the mother of a baby boy who was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and his parents being forced to chose between endless surgeries or "comfort care" that would result in his passing a few days after being born. I've only read 29 pages so far yet they seem like a memory of mine, pulled out and written on paper.
Magdalyn's diagnosis was even more severe than Gabriel's. Hypoplastic right heart with pulmonary stenosis and dextrocardia. They never did an autopsy, so we can't say for sure if anything else might have been wrong or how severe the heart block was.
I can't imagine the pain the might have endured if she had lived longer. If given the choice, which would I have chosen? As it is, her very very brief time on this earth was spent in surgery. We were told she would die almost immediately if she did not have the pacemaker put in. She would not survive. This was her only chance. She died an hour after surgery.
It's strange the things I remember; these tiny memories so strong that they bring me to tears and leave me teetering on the edge of losing it.
We were in our room waiting to be told that we could go see her. The doctor came in and told us that we needed to go now, or we might be too late. We were waiting to get clearance to move me, since I had just been more or less severed in two, and I was not supposed to be in a sitting position for another six hours. My nurse walked in and said she wasn't waiting anymore. I don't remember getting from the bed to the chair. I just remember that my nurse was pushing the wheelchair so fast that I felt like she was almost running. I was not upset. I was excited. I was about to see my baby girl for the first time. When she was born they rushed her off so quickly that I never got to see her.
I never saw my baby alive.
When we entered the NICU I saw the team of doctors, there were nine or ten of them around her. Just standing. Then I heard it. The sound of a flat line on a heart monitor. You hear this sound all the time on TV and in movies. It is now in my head as the worst sound in the entire world. The worst sound of my life. The sound of the end of her life. I wasn't told by a doctor while I was in a waiting room. I wasn't standing around, pacing back and forth. I was trapped in a wheelchair and the sound of that flat line was like being in a car and hitting a brick wall at 70 mph.
Surely there were other babies in the NICU, but I don't remember seeing any baby in that room but my daughter. There must have been nurses and parents, but I don't remember them.
My baby is in heaven. She is with God. She is not in pain. I try to take comfort in this. But some times, some days, I just want my baby to be here with me. And today, today is one of those days.
I'm currently reading Waiting with Gabriel. It's a story written by the mother of a baby boy who was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and his parents being forced to chose between endless surgeries or "comfort care" that would result in his passing a few days after being born. I've only read 29 pages so far yet they seem like a memory of mine, pulled out and written on paper.
Magdalyn's diagnosis was even more severe than Gabriel's. Hypoplastic right heart with pulmonary stenosis and dextrocardia. They never did an autopsy, so we can't say for sure if anything else might have been wrong or how severe the heart block was.
I can't imagine the pain the might have endured if she had lived longer. If given the choice, which would I have chosen? As it is, her very very brief time on this earth was spent in surgery. We were told she would die almost immediately if she did not have the pacemaker put in. She would not survive. This was her only chance. She died an hour after surgery.
It's strange the things I remember; these tiny memories so strong that they bring me to tears and leave me teetering on the edge of losing it.
We were in our room waiting to be told that we could go see her. The doctor came in and told us that we needed to go now, or we might be too late. We were waiting to get clearance to move me, since I had just been more or less severed in two, and I was not supposed to be in a sitting position for another six hours. My nurse walked in and said she wasn't waiting anymore. I don't remember getting from the bed to the chair. I just remember that my nurse was pushing the wheelchair so fast that I felt like she was almost running. I was not upset. I was excited. I was about to see my baby girl for the first time. When she was born they rushed her off so quickly that I never got to see her.
I never saw my baby alive.
When we entered the NICU I saw the team of doctors, there were nine or ten of them around her. Just standing. Then I heard it. The sound of a flat line on a heart monitor. You hear this sound all the time on TV and in movies. It is now in my head as the worst sound in the entire world. The worst sound of my life. The sound of the end of her life. I wasn't told by a doctor while I was in a waiting room. I wasn't standing around, pacing back and forth. I was trapped in a wheelchair and the sound of that flat line was like being in a car and hitting a brick wall at 70 mph.
Surely there were other babies in the NICU, but I don't remember seeing any baby in that room but my daughter. There must have been nurses and parents, but I don't remember them.
My baby is in heaven. She is with God. She is not in pain. I try to take comfort in this. But some times, some days, I just want my baby to be here with me. And today, today is one of those days.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Yesterday
Yesterday was Maggie's due date. How surreal. I'm doing quite well in my day to day, however these "landmark" dates still feel like a ton of bricks have landed on me.
A church sermon a couple weeks ago stuck me pretty hard, the pastor was talking about Mary and Joseph on their way to Bethlehem, and how hard the journey was with her being 9 months pregnant. It made me realize that I should have been 9 months at that point, and that I wasn't. I should have been waddling around and complaining about how much my back hurt, how my feet were so swollen that my shoes wouldn't fit. I should have been wondering if God would shake his finger at me for wanting to wear house slippers to church.
It hit me hard. I cried. A lot.
Here is a link for a song that I love. It makes me cry every time I hear it. And yes, sometimes I listen to it when I feel like I NEED a good cry. Go Listen!
Wasn't that great? Are you crying now? Have I ruined your makeup? If so, I'm terribly sorry. However, it was completely worth it. I LOVE that song, and I hope you do too.
I got my pictures back from Michelle!!! There are far too many to post here, but I'll get a slideshow posted on here soon. I also set up a Shutterfly account where you can view them all.
I will never be able to show Michelle just how grateful I am; I pray that the Lord will bless her, just as she has blessed me.
Love to you all,
Kelli
A church sermon a couple weeks ago stuck me pretty hard, the pastor was talking about Mary and Joseph on their way to Bethlehem, and how hard the journey was with her being 9 months pregnant. It made me realize that I should have been 9 months at that point, and that I wasn't. I should have been waddling around and complaining about how much my back hurt, how my feet were so swollen that my shoes wouldn't fit. I should have been wondering if God would shake his finger at me for wanting to wear house slippers to church.
It hit me hard. I cried. A lot.
Here is a link for a song that I love. It makes me cry every time I hear it. And yes, sometimes I listen to it when I feel like I NEED a good cry. Go Listen!
Wasn't that great? Are you crying now? Have I ruined your makeup? If so, I'm terribly sorry. However, it was completely worth it. I LOVE that song, and I hope you do too.
I got my pictures back from Michelle!!! There are far too many to post here, but I'll get a slideshow posted on here soon. I also set up a Shutterfly account where you can view them all.
I will never be able to show Michelle just how grateful I am; I pray that the Lord will bless her, just as she has blessed me.
Love to you all,
Kelli
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I want YOU in Maggie's book
So I'm starting on my Maggie book soon. I'll be working on it on Picnik and Shutterfly.
I saw the cutest thing....and was thinking maybe I could get something similar going for Maggie's book.
The link goes to a page that shows some ADORABLE pics. I can't really explain it, just go check it out!
Anywho, so like I said, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to do something similar for the book.
Make one and send it to me! You can be in Maggie's book! I would love this because it would be a permanent reminder of the people who have been with me supporting me on this journey.
You can e-mail me Kelli_Mears@hotmail.com
I saw the cutest thing....and was thinking maybe I could get something similar going for Maggie's book.
The link goes to a page that shows some ADORABLE pics. I can't really explain it, just go check it out!
Anywho, so like I said, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to do something similar for the book.
Make one and send it to me! You can be in Maggie's book! I would love this because it would be a permanent reminder of the people who have been with me supporting me on this journey.
You can e-mail me Kelli_Mears@hotmail.com
Monday, March 23, 2009
It's Spring
It feels like time has flown by.....it's been nearly 2 months. So much has happened....
Michelle finished my pictures....they're beyond amazing. Here's one, I'll post the big slide show later.
I forgot just how tiny she really was....she seemed so big and heavy to me!
I've been keeping very busy lately. Just moved halfway across the country. Currently looking for a new job. And reading whenever possible.
To those who have sent me books -- thank you. thank you. I didn't realize how much I needed them. They all have a slightly different perspective, which has helped more than I even knew.
It is springtime. Flowers are growing. The icky brown grass of winter has been replaced by soft fresh green grass. There are budding leaves on the trees. I wish I could show her. Sometimes it makes my heart ache; to know I'll never play in the park with her, I'll never buy her a new spring dress, take her to the zoo.
BabyCenter says I should be 36 weeks now....this idea is so strange to me that it seems foreign.
Just wanted to give y'all and update. I'm still here. Trying to settle into this new life. This new normal.
Love to you all. I wish I could hug you and tell you how much you mean to me. Each and everyone one of you.
-Kelli
Michelle finished my pictures....they're beyond amazing. Here's one, I'll post the big slide show later.
I forgot just how tiny she really was....she seemed so big and heavy to me!I've been keeping very busy lately. Just moved halfway across the country. Currently looking for a new job. And reading whenever possible.
To those who have sent me books -- thank you. thank you. I didn't realize how much I needed them. They all have a slightly different perspective, which has helped more than I even knew.
It is springtime. Flowers are growing. The icky brown grass of winter has been replaced by soft fresh green grass. There are budding leaves on the trees. I wish I could show her. Sometimes it makes my heart ache; to know I'll never play in the park with her, I'll never buy her a new spring dress, take her to the zoo.
BabyCenter says I should be 36 weeks now....this idea is so strange to me that it seems foreign.
Just wanted to give y'all and update. I'm still here. Trying to settle into this new life. This new normal.
Love to you all. I wish I could hug you and tell you how much you mean to me. Each and everyone one of you.
-Kelli
Friday, March 6, 2009
I can't help it...
Monday, March 2, 2009
get your kleenex ready...
Michelle (my Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer) is seriously amazing. Here's a slide show she made with a few of my maternity photos.
Also, here's another pic of my darling Magdalyn. Michelle is still working on the images from the hospital, but she always seems to know when I'm needing to see my baby girl and another picture will be right there waiting in my inbox.
Also, here's another pic of my darling Magdalyn. Michelle is still working on the images from the hospital, but she always seems to know when I'm needing to see my baby girl and another picture will be right there waiting in my inbox.
I am so so SO very grateful to her and for the work of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.
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