8 months and 1 day.
I was doing really well for several months, but I've quickly come unraveled in the last couple of days. I'm a mess. Despite the fact that I have a full time job, I feel like I have too much free time. And in this free time I think. And when I think I fall apart. The pain is so strong that I can hardly breathe. My eyes water up....but I don't cry. It is as if I am afraid to let myself let the walls down....afraid that I'll never be put back together again. So instead I sit on top of the wall...teetering...balancing.
My heart feels heavy and empty at the same time. I am so blessed to have Brian. He is such a wonderful husband. But I feel so incomplete. My “baby fever” is back in full swing...and Brian has more than given the thumbs up. But I can't let us try again right now. The economy totally bites. He still has one semester left of school. Having a baby is EXPENSIVE. I'm being too practical. I want our family to grow....one cat and one dog are not cutting it.
I'm an emotional fruit cake right now. Just wanted to let you all know.
6 comments:
You will be ok. Your feelings will wax and wane, and that's totally normal. Celebrate that you've had a strong 7 months, and let yourself off of the hook for a few days. :) Hang in there sweetie pie. It will happen when the time is right. Love, Sarah
several.. not seven :/ woops
Awww...you are not a fruitcake. You are a momma who misses her baby. There's nothing wrong with that. Have you thought of joining a support group? There are resources here at SE to help you. I think it would be very helpful to you and Brian. I will gather info for you. I love you so much and I can't wait until your arms are filled with a bundle of joy from heaven. Maggie can never be replaced and she will never be forgotten. We all love and miss her.
Hi Kelli,
(I'm one of Fran's friends from the FIAR boards.)
Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone has their own timetable, not just for the grieving process, but also for when you'll feel ready to have another baby. Don't feel like there are any should's or shouldn't's. You do what you need to do to cope.
On 10/29, my family and I will celebrate (?) 14 years from the day my daughter Abigail was born, and died 2 hours later. Sometimes I can't believe that it's been 14 years. Sometimes it feels like it happened to a different person. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. :(
I'm sorry you're going through one of the "two steps back" parts of this process.
((hugs))
Hi, you don't know me, but I think of you often. I hope your spirit is healing :) I really enjoy your blog. I think you speak your feelings really well, in a way that others can feel it with you.
-Kim
Hey girly I am just now reading the last two and everytime I cry and cry. You are NOT a fruitcake #1 you are a Mommy. Although she is not here with you, you are a Mommy in your heart. #2 You are a woman! I can't even begin to imagine what you went through or what you are still going through deep inside. From a Mommy to a Mommy... when the time is right for you have one. The economy will never be strong enough to make you feel comfortable having a baby. Even people who prepare for years couldn't possibly have considered EVERYTHING! When you do have another that baby will be the luckiest child in the world to have a Mommy that loves like you do. That's really what kiddos need in today's world, lots of love and guidance. Much love from out family to yours and you are always in my prayers.
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