Here's the tacky but truthful answer...
You can buy me a book.
I currently have a wish list of almost 20 books on Amazon. This list comes after looking for about an hour. I'm sure I could find more, and I'm sure that you have more to suggest (And please do!!) I would love to be able to buy all these books myself...but I can't.
Many of you have said -- "I don't know what to say. I don't know the words to make it easier."
Here's a solution that makes everyone happy. You can help me. I can get help.
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"One Month Later"
"One Month Later"
Today is February 27th...She would be a month old today...
It feels like it was a lifetime ago that I was in the hospital. And yet when I think about her, I can still feel the weight of her body, and what it felt like to have my lips pressed against her forehead.
It wasn't that long ago...
I've been keeping busy in the last few weeks. I've traveled to Indiana to spend a week with my sister. I stayed in Missouri for a week with Brian's family. It has been wonderful.
However, I wonder, am I keeping myself too busy? Am I keeping myself occupied so I don't deal with this? So I don't grieve fully? I need to. I know this. But I don't know the answer.
Back to the first part of this blog. I am hoping that if I start reading some books it will push me off the edge and force me to deal with this. I want to deal with this. But it is so easy to distract myself. To think of all the upcoming events and details.
I think of her often. Every day. Every hour I am awake. I smile. I have fond memories. This is not the part I have problems with...
I need to grieve my daughter. I do from time to time - Hearing a certain song that makes me think of her; overhearing people talking about the joy of bringing their new baby home. There was no joy in bringing my baby home. She came home in a green velvet bag.
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I never know quite how to end these blogs. For me this blog is a glimpse of my thoughts and emotions on a computer screen. This blog is a window into my grief. To "properly" end a blog entry makes me feel as if I am telling you that my "grief session" is over for the day. This is not true. My grief is unending.
So if you've ever wondered why each entry as of late has seeming just stopped out of nowhere; now you know.
5 comments:
Still thinking of you and praying for your family.
Debbie
Waiting with Gabriel is on it's way to you. I hope it helps you heal. I pray for you daily.
oh I meant to tell you, it's a used copy, I hope thats ok
Hun, you are grieving. In your own way. If what helps you is keeping busy, then keep busy. You have your own quiet moments/thoughts; and everyone grieves differently. You know how often she is on your mind, no matter what you are doing, and that will never change. You are healing/grieving in a manner that helps you. Nobody can tell you a proper way of grieving a loss, especially one of this magnitude, there is no "standard manual" on life's trials. You do what you have to do to honor your daughter, but also give yourself air to just breathe and be. :)
~Heather A.K.A. Leoangels
You are the strongest woman I know and I envy you for it. You are always in my prayers. Next week I should have a pretty good paycheck and I will pop on over to Amazon. :)
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