Six and a half years later

I don't have a real purpose for this post. It's mostly disjointed rambling. But I guess that's how my thoughts are. Still. Six and a half years later. It still doesn't make sense. It's not nice and neat. It still sucks. The words and feelings still get stirred up and start to bubble out of me and I don't know what to do with them. So here they are --

I hate being in this club. This club that no one should ever have to be in. And even more, I hate when women I know are thrust into this club. I hate telling them that I am thinking of them. I hate knowing that their life is forever changed and that there will now be "the new normal" for them.

A woman that I went to high school with recently lost her son to SIDS. I wish I knew what to say to her. I wish I could give her peace. I wish I could let her know that it's okay to feel whatever she feels; that it's okay to cry and that it's okay to smile, and that just because she has good moments doesn't mean that she loves her son less. But I don't know how. We're all in this awful club together and yet I feel distant. I wish that I didn't. And I'm sorry that I do.

I wish I was better about being more open. I don't feel like I'm closed off. I don't feel like I shirk away from talking about Maggie. But six and a half years later, it's not really any easier. It might even be harder. I'm living in NYC and far too often I hear "one day you'll see" and "just wait until it happens to you" -- I cringe and keep quiet. They don't know. They don't know her. They don't mean to cause this pain.

I know that Maggie is not forgotten. I know that she touched so many lives in so many ways. Ways that I will probably never know. But it hurts to realize that when I meet new people, they don't know her. They don't know that my daughter had the cutest button nose and the most perfect cupid's bow. They don't know that this year she'd be in first grade. (First grade?! Is that right? Time is a strange thing.)

I wondered how long it would be, and for a time it felt like there was no way it was ever going to happen again, but it's finally creeping in, slowly but surely -- the yearning to have another baby. People ask me if I am scared; scared that my next baby will be like Maggie. I am scared, but not for that reason. I'm scared because I worry that Maggie will be overshadowed. That people will forget that I was already a mother before this next new baby. That my heart has already been full of love for a child growing inside me. I don't want them to forget. I don't want ME to forget.

I never know how to end these posts....it doesn't seem possible. The thoughts and feelings are all still there so it's weird to find a tidy stopping point.

So I'll leave it with these ellipses since that's really the best way to describe it all.

...

Four Years Later

My sweet girl has been on my mind a lot recently as her birthday draws near. I feel so guilty and conflicted. My life is so drastically different than it was four years ago that it doesn't even seem like it could have ever been my life at all...

Brian and I are no longer married. Losing Maggie created a very deep pit that we were never really able to climb out of.  It changed him so much more than I realized. We healed separately and not together. Or at least I thought we did. I didn't know. We never talked about it. He assumed. I assumed. In fact, it has only been in the last month that I have had any insight as to how it got to him.

My best friend (and sister) Fran died 18 months after Maggie. Fran was so involved in my pregnancy, the birth and death and healing. The silence after my sister's death was deafening. Suddenly I felt so alone. I  felt had no one to connect with. No one really understood.

Fast forward to now and where do I stand? I'm divorced and have not had any more children.

So where is the guilt and confliction that I mentioned? It lies in my happiness. I feel guilty for moving on. I feel guilty for being "glad" that I don't have kids. For being glad that I'm not that woman at the playground. For being glad that I can come and go as I please and don't have to worry about arranging a babysitter.

Please don't misunderstand me. If my daughter was here, I would be over the moon with happiness. I would have gladly given up everything that was "me" for the endless appointments with doctors and long hospital stays for her countless surgeries. But you know what? She's not here. And living the rest of my life in a pit of dispair and forever drowning in grief wouldn't have benefited anyone.

It has taken four years but I am finally feeling like I am pulling it all back together and becoming ME again -- I'm living in the city that I have wanted to live in for basically my entire life. I have an amazing boyfriend who is so insanely good to me that my face flushes and I'm a puddle of giddy goop every time I think about him.

It has taken four years but it has finally happened. I am happy.

Maggie caused me to change in ways that I could never explain to anyone. I am a kinder and more compassionate person because of her. I appreciate more. I take for granted less. I am a better person because of my daughter.

-Kelli

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Several of you have mentioned trying to track me down and I'm sorry for not being more accepting. For a very long time I wasn't in a place where I could be who I needed to be. I pushed so hard to heal that I alienated myself from a fantastic group of people who wanted to be there to support me.

Four years later and here I am! I welcome you all to contact me through whatever social mediums you would like!

Facebook (I ignored my FB for a long time and have been trying to get better about being more active recently.)
Twitter (I'm not super active, but it's a random view into my world. You've been warned.)
Pinterest (because everyone has one.)

My personal essay on Babble.com

I had the incredible opportunity to have a personal essay posted on babble.com -- click on the link below to check it out.

http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregnant/2012/05/14/coping-after-the-loss-of-a-child/

Hope all of you are well.

Love to you all.
-Kelli

An update of sorts

It's been almost three and a half years. So much has changed.

I've recently relocated to New York and work for a parenting website. I haven't yet shared my full story with anyone, and in fact I've only shared a very partial story with two people.

There is a possibility that I'll be posting a personal essay on our site this weekend. I say it is a possibility because I haven't yet written it. I don't know if I can. I want to. I need to. I feel that there is so much inside that I haven't let out.

I'll of course send out the link if I can get myself together enough to write this essay.

I just wanted to post to say hello. That I'm still here.

Baby Clothes

I guess I always thought they were cute...looked forward to buying them someday. However, now I find myself DRAWN to them, even though I have there is no one to wear them and dirty them up and out grow them too quickly.

This evening I was at church and my friend's 2 year old ran by looking so handsome in a pair of jeans. I love jeans on kids. They look SOOOOO cute. This however led to me being so upset and crying so much that I ended up leaving about 15 seconds into the very first song.

Today has been a rough day. I just thought you should know.

Life Goes On

I would like to write a beautiful eloquent post...but it's not in me right now.

I would however like to let you all know that I am doing well. There is plenty that I could complain about, but I won't. Losing Maggie has taught me to look towards the positive. I try to live each day soaking in the blessings that God has surrounded me with.

This year has certainly been a bumpy one...but I take each day as it comes and I know that the Lord has a plan for me...it is not for me to whine about. He knows what is best for me. As long as Brian and I keep our eyes on Him, we'll be just fine.

Kelli, the Humpty Dumpty Fruit Cake

8 months and 1 day.

I was doing really well for several months, but I've quickly come unraveled in the last couple of days. I'm a mess. Despite the fact that I have a full time job, I feel like I have too much free time. And in this free time I think. And when I think I fall apart. The pain is so strong that I can hardly breathe. My eyes water up....but I don't cry. It is as if I am afraid to let myself let the walls down....afraid that I'll never be put back together again. So instead I sit on top of the wall...teetering...balancing.

My heart feels heavy and empty at the same time. I am so blessed to have Brian. He is such a wonderful husband. But I feel so incomplete. My “baby fever” is back in full swing...and Brian has more than given the thumbs up. But I can't let us try again right now. The economy totally bites. He still has one semester left of school. Having a baby is EXPENSIVE. I'm being too practical. I want our family to grow....one cat and one dog are not cutting it.

I'm an emotional fruit cake right now. Just wanted to let you all know.