So I'm starting on my Maggie book soon. I'll be working on it on Picnik and Shutterfly.
I saw the cutest thing....and was thinking maybe I could get something similar going for Maggie's book.
The link goes to a page that shows some ADORABLE pics. I can't really explain it, just go check it out!
Anywho, so like I said, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to do something similar for the book.
Make one and send it to me! You can be in Maggie's book! I would love this because it would be a permanent reminder of the people who have been with me supporting me on this journey.
You can e-mail me Kelli_Mears@hotmail.com
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
It's Spring
It feels like time has flown by.....it's been nearly 2 months. So much has happened....
Michelle finished my pictures....they're beyond amazing. Here's one, I'll post the big slide show later.
I forgot just how tiny she really was....she seemed so big and heavy to me!
I've been keeping very busy lately. Just moved halfway across the country. Currently looking for a new job. And reading whenever possible.
To those who have sent me books -- thank you. thank you. I didn't realize how much I needed them. They all have a slightly different perspective, which has helped more than I even knew.
It is springtime. Flowers are growing. The icky brown grass of winter has been replaced by soft fresh green grass. There are budding leaves on the trees. I wish I could show her. Sometimes it makes my heart ache; to know I'll never play in the park with her, I'll never buy her a new spring dress, take her to the zoo.
BabyCenter says I should be 36 weeks now....this idea is so strange to me that it seems foreign.
Just wanted to give y'all and update. I'm still here. Trying to settle into this new life. This new normal.
Love to you all. I wish I could hug you and tell you how much you mean to me. Each and everyone one of you.
-Kelli
Michelle finished my pictures....they're beyond amazing. Here's one, I'll post the big slide show later.
I forgot just how tiny she really was....she seemed so big and heavy to me!I've been keeping very busy lately. Just moved halfway across the country. Currently looking for a new job. And reading whenever possible.
To those who have sent me books -- thank you. thank you. I didn't realize how much I needed them. They all have a slightly different perspective, which has helped more than I even knew.
It is springtime. Flowers are growing. The icky brown grass of winter has been replaced by soft fresh green grass. There are budding leaves on the trees. I wish I could show her. Sometimes it makes my heart ache; to know I'll never play in the park with her, I'll never buy her a new spring dress, take her to the zoo.
BabyCenter says I should be 36 weeks now....this idea is so strange to me that it seems foreign.
Just wanted to give y'all and update. I'm still here. Trying to settle into this new life. This new normal.
Love to you all. I wish I could hug you and tell you how much you mean to me. Each and everyone one of you.
-Kelli
Friday, March 6, 2009
I can't help it...
Monday, March 2, 2009
get your kleenex ready...
Michelle (my Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer) is seriously amazing. Here's a slide show she made with a few of my maternity photos.
Also, here's another pic of my darling Magdalyn. Michelle is still working on the images from the hospital, but she always seems to know when I'm needing to see my baby girl and another picture will be right there waiting in my inbox.
Also, here's another pic of my darling Magdalyn. Michelle is still working on the images from the hospital, but she always seems to know when I'm needing to see my baby girl and another picture will be right there waiting in my inbox.
I am so so SO very grateful to her and for the work of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tacky but truthful and One Month Later
Many people have asked me -- "What can I do to help?" or have said "If there's anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask."
Here's the tacky but truthful answer...
You can buy me a book.
I currently have a wish list of almost 20 books on Amazon. This list comes after looking for about an hour. I'm sure I could find more, and I'm sure that you have more to suggest (And please do!!) I would love to be able to buy all these books myself...but I can't.
Many of you have said -- "I don't know what to say. I don't know the words to make it easier."
Here's a solution that makes everyone happy. You can help me. I can get help.
Today is February 27th...She would be a month old today...
It feels like it was a lifetime ago that I was in the hospital. And yet when I think about her, I can still feel the weight of her body, and what it felt like to have my lips pressed against her forehead.
It wasn't that long ago...
I've been keeping busy in the last few weeks. I've traveled to Indiana to spend a week with my sister. I stayed in Missouri for a week with Brian's family. It has been wonderful.
However, I wonder, am I keeping myself too busy? Am I keeping myself occupied so I don't deal with this? So I don't grieve fully? I need to. I know this. But I don't know the answer.
Back to the first part of this blog. I am hoping that if I start reading some books it will push me off the edge and force me to deal with this. I want to deal with this. But it is so easy to distract myself. To think of all the upcoming events and details.
I think of her often. Every day. Every hour I am awake. I smile. I have fond memories. This is not the part I have problems with...
I need to grieve my daughter. I do from time to time - Hearing a certain song that makes me think of her; overhearing people talking about the joy of bringing their new baby home. There was no joy in bringing my baby home. She came home in a green velvet bag.
I never know quite how to end these blogs. For me this blog is a glimpse of my thoughts and emotions on a computer screen. This blog is a window into my grief. To "properly" end a blog entry makes me feel as if I am telling you that my "grief session" is over for the day. This is not true. My grief is unending.
So if you've ever wondered why each entry as of late has seeming just stopped out of nowhere; now you know.
Here's the tacky but truthful answer...
You can buy me a book.
I currently have a wish list of almost 20 books on Amazon. This list comes after looking for about an hour. I'm sure I could find more, and I'm sure that you have more to suggest (And please do!!) I would love to be able to buy all these books myself...but I can't.
Many of you have said -- "I don't know what to say. I don't know the words to make it easier."
Here's a solution that makes everyone happy. You can help me. I can get help.
*************
"One Month Later"
"One Month Later"
Today is February 27th...She would be a month old today...
It feels like it was a lifetime ago that I was in the hospital. And yet when I think about her, I can still feel the weight of her body, and what it felt like to have my lips pressed against her forehead.
It wasn't that long ago...
I've been keeping busy in the last few weeks. I've traveled to Indiana to spend a week with my sister. I stayed in Missouri for a week with Brian's family. It has been wonderful.
However, I wonder, am I keeping myself too busy? Am I keeping myself occupied so I don't deal with this? So I don't grieve fully? I need to. I know this. But I don't know the answer.
Back to the first part of this blog. I am hoping that if I start reading some books it will push me off the edge and force me to deal with this. I want to deal with this. But it is so easy to distract myself. To think of all the upcoming events and details.
I think of her often. Every day. Every hour I am awake. I smile. I have fond memories. This is not the part I have problems with...
I need to grieve my daughter. I do from time to time - Hearing a certain song that makes me think of her; overhearing people talking about the joy of bringing their new baby home. There was no joy in bringing my baby home. She came home in a green velvet bag.
*************
I never know quite how to end these blogs. For me this blog is a glimpse of my thoughts and emotions on a computer screen. This blog is a window into my grief. To "properly" end a blog entry makes me feel as if I am telling you that my "grief session" is over for the day. This is not true. My grief is unending.
So if you've ever wondered why each entry as of late has seeming just stopped out of nowhere; now you know.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Why now?
***Disclaimer: This post is nothing but a rant. It'll probably only be up for a few hours til I regret posting it...oh well here it is. ***
People have been coming out of the woodwork lately to tell me how exciting it is that I am about to have a baby.
...uh....
This puts me in a very awkward place. I have NO IDEA how to respond when people say this. I either LIE or I make them feel TERRIBLE. Not to mention that it doesn't exactly put me in a great state of mind. I miss her enough without being reminded of the fact that I should still be pregnant. That I would still have two months to go til I'm due. That I shouldn't have seen her yet. That she should be ALIVE.
Instead she is ashes. In a green velvet bag. My baby should be moving and kicking inside of me. But she's not. Thanks for accidentally reminding me.
I don't want to be angry. I don't want to make people feel bad. I don't want to be in this position.
I miss my daughter.
People have been coming out of the woodwork lately to tell me how exciting it is that I am about to have a baby.
...uh....
This puts me in a very awkward place. I have NO IDEA how to respond when people say this. I either LIE or I make them feel TERRIBLE. Not to mention that it doesn't exactly put me in a great state of mind. I miss her enough without being reminded of the fact that I should still be pregnant. That I would still have two months to go til I'm due. That I shouldn't have seen her yet. That she should be ALIVE.
Instead she is ashes. In a green velvet bag. My baby should be moving and kicking inside of me. But she's not. Thanks for accidentally reminding me.
I don't want to be angry. I don't want to make people feel bad. I don't want to be in this position.
I miss my daughter.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
This is my new life...I am now that woman.
This is my new life...I am now that woman...
Took my first trip to the grocery store last night. I was not ready. There seemed to be far more babies there than usual. Sometimes I forget she's gone; when I remember the pain comes on so strong I can hardly breathe. I am that woman who is crying in the middle of the frozen vegetable aisle. The one that you pity because she can't "handle her emotions in public".
This afternoon we went to Best Buy. Still not ready. First there was a woman holding a baby that couldn't have been more than six months old. A wave of panic started to hit me. I took in deep breaths, I released them slowly. I was determined to make it through this trip. Just as I felt myself start to calm down, I heard a voice behind me, "you better shut your mouth." The little girl had been wimpering (not crying loudly or screaming, or trying to get out of the cart). She couldn't have been more than two. Seriously? Why did he get to keep his daughter and I didn't? How can someone be so mean to their child for no reason? This made me livid. LIVID. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to tell him to appreciate her. To be thankful she was healthy and alive. If I had been there alone and not in the company of others, I might have actually said something. Instead, I got so upset that I turned into that woman again...I was crying in the middle of the bargain CD aisle.
Awhile later I joked with a friend about how if that guy didn't want her, I'd take her. But the truth is, I don't want her. I don't want a baby. I want Maggie. I want MY DAUGHTER.
We went to the funeral home yesterday. We had to legally identify her body. I had been both dreading it and almost looking forward to it. I wanted so badly to see her again. We were told "you can look but you can't touch." What? What do you mean I "can't touch"? She's MINE. This hurt far more than seeing her. I wanted to kiss her tiny hands. I wanted to feel her silky hair on my fingertips. I was terrified right before they opened the door, and then, there she was. She was in a tiny pink velvet casket -- it was the size of most of the shoe boxes in my closet. She was so much tinier than I remembered. She was beautiful.
I wonder what she would have looked like growing up. I wonder if she would have picked soccer or ballet? Would she have liked cats or dogs? Would she have been afraid of bugs or begged me to let her have a pet snake? I will never know. And I wish I did.
This is my new life...I am now that woman...
To all of you who have reached out to me, thank you. I am not ignoring you. I am so very grateful you are there. Please don't turn your back and walk away. I'll be there soon, but not yet. Keep bugging me. I'll come around eventually.
Love and heartfelt thanks to you all,
Kelli
Took my first trip to the grocery store last night. I was not ready. There seemed to be far more babies there than usual. Sometimes I forget she's gone; when I remember the pain comes on so strong I can hardly breathe. I am that woman who is crying in the middle of the frozen vegetable aisle. The one that you pity because she can't "handle her emotions in public".
This afternoon we went to Best Buy. Still not ready. First there was a woman holding a baby that couldn't have been more than six months old. A wave of panic started to hit me. I took in deep breaths, I released them slowly. I was determined to make it through this trip. Just as I felt myself start to calm down, I heard a voice behind me, "you better shut your mouth." The little girl had been wimpering (not crying loudly or screaming, or trying to get out of the cart). She couldn't have been more than two. Seriously? Why did he get to keep his daughter and I didn't? How can someone be so mean to their child for no reason? This made me livid. LIVID. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to tell him to appreciate her. To be thankful she was healthy and alive. If I had been there alone and not in the company of others, I might have actually said something. Instead, I got so upset that I turned into that woman again...I was crying in the middle of the bargain CD aisle.
Awhile later I joked with a friend about how if that guy didn't want her, I'd take her. But the truth is, I don't want her. I don't want a baby. I want Maggie. I want MY DAUGHTER.
We went to the funeral home yesterday. We had to legally identify her body. I had been both dreading it and almost looking forward to it. I wanted so badly to see her again. We were told "you can look but you can't touch." What? What do you mean I "can't touch"? She's MINE. This hurt far more than seeing her. I wanted to kiss her tiny hands. I wanted to feel her silky hair on my fingertips. I was terrified right before they opened the door, and then, there she was. She was in a tiny pink velvet casket -- it was the size of most of the shoe boxes in my closet. She was so much tinier than I remembered. She was beautiful.
I wonder what she would have looked like growing up. I wonder if she would have picked soccer or ballet? Would she have liked cats or dogs? Would she have been afraid of bugs or begged me to let her have a pet snake? I will never know. And I wish I did.
This is my new life...I am now that woman...
To all of you who have reached out to me, thank you. I am not ignoring you. I am so very grateful you are there. Please don't turn your back and walk away. I'll be there soon, but not yet. Keep bugging me. I'll come around eventually.
Love and heartfelt thanks to you all,
Kelli
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